Someday

I have nothing to say - really. In this ongoing nightmare that is our separation, little changes.

I go through the mundane activities of daily life with a thought of you always in the back of mind. Sometimes something will make me smile or shed a tear - then I must wipe it off and get back to "real life".

Life is hell without you.
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Today is our five year anniversary. Five years ago Heath received his first letter from me. He wrote back, and a correspondence was struck that would take us both to the heights of love and passion, and the depths of torment and strife.

With the first words of his I saw on the page in front of me, I knew there was something special about this man; that something had brought us together under these unusual circumstances. Five years later that Truth has been proven to me, and more.

The culmination of the past five years and all the pure Love that is in my heart for this man can best be summed up in Rumi's "Looking For Your Face":

Looking For Your Face

From the beginning of my life
I have been looking for your face
but today I have seen it.

Today I have seen
the charm, the beauty,
the unfathomable grace
of the face
that I was looking for.

Today I have found you
and those that laughed
and scorned me yesterday
are sorry that they were not looking
as I did.

I am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you with a hundred eyes.

My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold.

I am ashamed
to call this love human
and afraid of God
to call it divine.

Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze
has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine
and also your shadow.

My soul is screaming in ecstasy
Every fiber of my being
is in love with you

Your effulgence
has lit a fire in my heart
and you have made radiant
for me
the earth and sky.

My arrow of love
has arrived at the target
I am in the house of mercy
and my heart
is a place of prayer.
- Rumi

Here's to another five, and more...
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In less than a week we will reach our five year mark. I will have known you in this lifetime for five years. But the truth is, my Love, we have known each other...much longer.
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Forgive my long absence - I've been too busy keeping up with my life, and Heath's, to have any time to post. But I'm still here, waiting, keeping the faith, holding on to hope.

I've actually been so busy that I haven't even been able to get away one weekend yet this month to see Heath. I told him I likely won't make it back there for a visit until March; which upset him a great deal. It kills me, too, but I've almost been too busy to notice. Almost.

I miss him so much.

Can you imagine my surprise Monday, Valentine's Day, when the front desk called to tell me I had a package. Me? A mysterious red and heart-bedecked bag held a soft, plastic and cloth rose, a small heart-shaped box of chocolates and an adorable white teddy bear in red and pink overalls. I couldn't imagine who this would be from. Inside the bag was also a small, simple white envelope with no writing on it. I tore this open and a small notecard fell into my lap. At once I recognized Heath's handwriting and artistic stylings.

The entire card was hand-drawn by him. The front read "Sophia" in beautiful script and inside was a poem he had written especially for me to commemorate this day of Love. He must've told his mother what he wanted in the package and sent the card to her to include. It was thoughtful and I was overwhelmed with the thought and effort that had gone into this venture - putting it all together from where he was could have been no easy feat.

I called him a "sneaky bastard" when he called that night. He told me he'd been excited all day just knowing I would be receiving it. I'm going to send him a picture of me holding all of the goodies inside. The card is in my purse - and I will carry it with me from this day forth.

It just goes to prove that you don't have to be together to have a special Valentine's Day!
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Saturday I got an all-day visit with Heath. It was loud and crowded as always, but we just shut all of that out. You have to learn to do that or it will drive you crazy.

I've realized that every single time I have to leave him it gets more difficult. This time, I felt as if I were dying inside when they announced that visiting hours were over. "We have to be strong," Heath told me, but there were tears in his eyes as well.

I hate leaving him - leaving his warmth, his smile and his laugh - leaving those big, beautiful brown eyes. When I finally turn to walk out the door, I never look back. Perhaps a quick glance as I step away, but after that - I hurry and leave. Because when I used to look back, I always saw the saddest, most pained expression on his face and it killed me each time. He has to watch his light and happiness walk out of the door - I have to leave my very soul each time. It's hard and it hurts deeper than I could ever put to words. Yet it's worth it - it's worth going through the pain of leaving to have that time together. Our visits are so very special.
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I am so very blessed to have an understanding family. Some of them, at least. I've talked to scores of women who get no support from their families and friends in regards to their relationships with an inmate.

I told my mother about Heath about a year after we'd been talking, and after it was clear that we were falling madly in love with one another. A year later she came with me to visit him. My Mother is a very shy person who really dislikes being in public places, so it wasn't an easy thing for her to do. She was so glad that she did - she fell in love with Heath (how could one not?) and supports him fully. She sends him birthday presents, and they write occasionally; she calls him her "second son". Heath adores her as well.

Recently my sister told me that she would like to meet Heath. This meant the absolute world to me. My sis is even more painfully shy than my Mom, and it's going to be quite a difficult thing for her to go to the prison to meet him (she has had actually been on medication for her social anxiety). But she's doing it for me and it just means so very much. Words can't describe getting support in something like this - something that most of the world opposes and doesn't understand. Heath is very excited about meeting my sister, and I know that the two of them will get along well.

The meeting may happen as soon as tomorrow. I'm going to see my Love for our bi-monthly visit and they are going to try and arrange their schedules, my Mom and sis, to come up and visit with us for awhile. I know how lucky I am to have this kind of support and it's something I will forever be grateful for.
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Sorry I've been away for so long. Life has been, well life (i.e. very busy). We were finally able, with enough complaints to the warden, to get the co's to stop harassing Heath about the motion he filed against them. Of course, it's gone through and has been denied; even though his point is legitimate and the denial goes against the written Policy & Procedure, neither of us are surprised. That's a drop in the bucket compared to the abuse and harassment that goes on every single day in prisons across America. If you only knew...

Comedienne Margaret Cho is a woman I admire greatly. I believe in many of the causes she stands for and have tremendous respect for this woman that speaks out and uses her voice for positive change. She's amazing, and damn funny, too. So I wasn’t surprised to learn that she's been in correspondence with Damien Echols and is a staunch supporter of the WM3. But not only does Margaret understand the horrible injustice being wrought upon those men, she is also aware of the atrocities in our prison system. This is a note, in part, that she made after posting a letter from Damien:


... Regrettably, I had to delete many portions of this letter, because I did not wish to endanger Damien, because he is not yet free, and the truth about where he is, what he deals with, the injustice and the inhumanity are incomprehensible. These revelations made public could far too easily place him in harm's way...


I live in fear every day that something is going to happen to Heath. I never know when a guard is going to decide to pick on him, or one who has a grudge against him is going to decide to frame him. He has had guards try to bribe other inmates to beat him up, he has seen other inmates being locked away in solitary confinement for refusing to drop a charge (the types of things he was being threatened with a few months ago). As Heath always says, "They think their job is to punish us; they don't realize that being in prison is our punishment." Touché.

It's heartening to know that there are influential people out there who do care about the abuse in prisons, who do care about the inmates and their families. Somehow it makes dealing with all of the bullshit they put us through a bit more bearable.
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